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introduction [2018/04/16 10:33]
heslopa [3. Developing solutions]
introduction [2019/03/12 20:02]
helent 11
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 A difficult conversation is simply one that involves an element of conflict or disagreement. It can be between two people, or involve a group of people. It can be about something that happens in the moment or builds up over time. A difficult conversation is simply one that involves an element of conflict or disagreement. It can be between two people, or involve a group of people. It can be about something that happens in the moment or builds up over time.
  
-**The 'seeds of conflict'​ are sown our day-to-day interactions**+**The 'seeds of conflict'​ are sown in our day-to-day interactions**
  
 Probably every day we are in situations where we see things differently to another person. Probably every day we are in situations where we see things differently to another person.
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 At other times we are triggered by an unexpected situation. It could be a minor thing, but it offends us in some way and before we know it we react - often resulting in a difficult situation. At other times we are triggered by an unexpected situation. It could be a minor thing, but it offends us in some way and before we know it we react - often resulting in a difficult situation.
  
-We can be triggered when we don't expect it and react in ways that develop, or even erupt, into conflict. In some situations we are be able to walk away, but in others we can't. Conflicts develop in families, organisations and communities where it is much more difficult to walk away. These conflicts can simmer in the background and every so often a trigger causes a flare up, which dies down, but the underlying cause remains and flare up at some point in the future.+We can be triggered when we don't expect it and react in ways that develop, or even erupt, into conflict. In some situations we are able to walk away, but in others we can't. Conflicts develop in families, organisations and communities where it is much more difficult to walk away. These conflicts can simmer in the background and every so often a trigger causes a flare up, which dies down, but the underlying cause remains and flares ​up at some point in the future.
  
  
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 **Conflict is inevitable, it's how we handle it that matters** **Conflict is inevitable, it's how we handle it that matters**
  
-A second factor that can make conversations difficultis that we don't have the skills to handle situations that involve conflict. We are not generally trained to deal with disagreement. But these skills are not complicated and with a bit of practice we can all get better at having difficult conversations.+A second factor that can make conversations difficult is that we don't have the skills to handle situations that involve conflict. We are not generally trained to deal with disagreement. But these skills are not complicated and with a bit of practice we can all get better at having difficult conversations.
  
 ===== Handling a difficult conversation ===== ===== Handling a difficult conversation =====
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 Not all difficult conversations involve a trigger. A trigger is where something happens that is unexpected. It could be that something goes wrong, you are blamed for something or someone expresses an opinion that you disagree with. Not all difficult conversations involve a trigger. A trigger is where something happens that is unexpected. It could be that something goes wrong, you are blamed for something or someone expresses an opinion that you disagree with.
  
-In these circumstances,​ we have been programmed by evolution, by our survival instinct, to react. We all have primitive survival instincts that kick in when we are threatened. While these social situations are not necessarily a threat to our lives, [[useful_concepts:​rewards_and_threats|studies]] have shown that we react to a lesser extent as if they were.+In these circumstances,​ we have been programmed by evolution, by our survival instinct, to react. We all have primitive survival instincts that kick in when we are threatened. While these social situations are not necessarily a threat to our lives, [[useful_concepts:​rewards_and_threats|studies]] have shown that we react to a lesser extent as if they were.
  
-So how can we handle a trigger. The first thing is [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​be_aware_of_the_trigger|to be aware of the potential trigger]]. In this situation you are likely to react because the trigger ​as a type of threat.  So the second thing is to [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​respond_rather_than_react|not react, but to respond]]. The best way of handling a trigger is to know in advance what you will do. You replace a reaction with a planned behaviour. Some of the approaches you might use are; [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​listen|focus on listening]],​ become curious about what is happening or [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​adopt_a_long_term_perspective|adopt a long term perspective]].+So how can we handle a trigger. The first thing is [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​be_aware_of_the_trigger|to be aware of the potential trigger]]. In this situation you are likely to react because the trigger ​is a type of threat.  So the second thing is to [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​respond_rather_than_react|not react, but to respond]]. The best way of handling a trigger is to know in advance what you will do. You replace a reaction with a planned behaviour. Some of the approaches you might use are; [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​listen|focus on listening]],​ become curious about what is happening or [[the_process:​handling_the_trigger#​adopt_a_long_term_perspective|adopt a long term perspective]].
 ===== 1. Preparation ===== ===== 1. Preparation =====
  
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 If a conflict is between two people, if may be possible to work on it without a facilitator. This depends on how well the individuals know one another and their understanding of the restorative dialogue process. If a conflict is between two people, if may be possible to work on it without a facilitator. This depends on how well the individuals know one another and their understanding of the restorative dialogue process.
    
-It is important that those involved in the dialogue feel that they are in **a safe place**. They need to know what is going to happen, how everyone involved is expected to behave and have an opportunity to express their concerns.+It is important that those involved in the dialogue feel that they are in **a safe place**. They need to know what is going to happen, how everyone involved is expected to behave and to have an opportunity to express their concerns.
    
 =====2. Dialogue===== =====2. Dialogue=====
-There are numerous definitions of '​dialogue'​ in common use. In general it can be refer to any form of interaction. In Latin, dialogue usage means a conversation by two or more people where conflict is involved. Here we use the term '​restorative dialogue'​ to mean;+There are numerous definitions of '​dialogue'​ in common use. In general it can refer to any form of interaction. In Latin, dialogue usage means a conversation by two or more people where conflict is involved. Here we use the term '​restorative dialogue'​ to mean;
  
 **"​Restorative Dialogue aims to re-build relationships between people where conflict exists and in the process find a way forward."​** **"​Restorative Dialogue aims to re-build relationships between people where conflict exists and in the process find a way forward."​**
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 In their book, 'A Little Book of Dialogue',​ Lisa Schirch & David Campt say; "​Dialogue works best when participants listen for what might be correct, true, and insightful about what others have stated. The listeners try to find ideas with which they can agree, and potentially combine those with their own ideas to build a larger truth than any side has on its own." In their book, 'A Little Book of Dialogue',​ Lisa Schirch & David Campt say; "​Dialogue works best when participants listen for what might be correct, true, and insightful about what others have stated. The listeners try to find ideas with which they can agree, and potentially combine those with their own ideas to build a larger truth than any side has on its own."
  
-Dialogue is a process in its own right. It is different to a conversation,​ discussion or debate. We are not;+Dialogue is a process in its own right. It is different to a conversation,​ discussion or debate. We are not:
  
   * wanting a conversation that flows smoothly   * wanting a conversation that flows smoothly
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   * judging   * judging
  
-We are;+We are:
  
   * following a process   * following a process
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   * leaving time for pauses and reflection   * leaving time for pauses and reflection
   * giving individuals time to fully express their points of view   * giving individuals time to fully express their points of view
-  * honouring each other'viewpoints and perspectives+  * honouring each others' viewpoints and perspectives
   * being curious   * being curious
   * trying to ask better questions   * trying to ask better questions
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 =====3. Developing solutions===== =====3. Developing solutions=====
  
-In restorative dialogue we are not necessarily looking to find solutions. We hope that by building understanding,​ trust and relationships possibilities for action will emerge. Some of these ideas may surface during the Dialogue ​stage and given goodwill among participants further ideas for possible action can be explored.+In restorative dialogue we are not necessarily looking to find solutions. We hope that by building understanding,​ trust and relationships possibilities for action will emerge. Some of these ideas may surface during the dialogue ​stage and given goodwill among participants further ideas for possible action can be explored.
  
-It is important to carry on the process in the spirit that has been developed during the dialogue;+It is important to carry on the process in the spirit that has been developed during the dialogue:
   * a sense of curiosity   * a sense of curiosity
   * wanting to understand all perspectives   * wanting to understand all perspectives